Doubt is a place.

When I think about doubt, I imagine a physical space, an actual place. It’s desolate, gray and windswept with bare trees and flying dust instead of firm, rich soil – a place completely devoid of life. This place is where I end up whenever my trust Issues show up in my relationship with God.

Despite knowing that God is good and having plenty of evidence to back it up, I still question God’s faithfulness – whether God will show up in my most desperate moments. I even second guess the seal of approval that I inherited from Jesus. My anxiety sometimes overruns my faith, and when I look up, I’m in that gloomy, desolate place. In doubt, the creativity, clarity, wisdom and peace that I need to navigate life seems impossible to access.

My last post was a retelling of a recent dream. In it, I stood on a modern version of the biblical Noah’s ark. I was being whisked away from a place of danger and loss. Yet, anxious about all that I’d left behind, especially who and what they might think, I had lept into the water, intending to return to that forsaken place.

In jumping, I had rejected the safety of the Ark and the promise of something better wherever it was headed. And it wasn’t until I found myself carried away from the ship that continued onward without me that I realized how bad an idea that had been.

Though I busily treaded water to stay afloat, the hazy gloom of doubt within me – the doubt that had caused me to jump – made it impossible to know what to do next. I was stuck and alone. But then, the most amazing thing happened.

Jesus, who I hadn’t even realized was there, dove in after me.

Just like the shepherd searching for the single sheep who had wandered away from the flock of 99 others.

I didn’t even have to ask…

He found me, barely held together. Yet, after the considerable effort of reaching me, I was surprised to see that his demeanor didn’t show even a speck of frustration or anger. 

In fact, all I saw in his eyes was concern and clear-eyed understanding. My only response had been love, gratitude, and … wonder. Then, I woke up.

Well over a month later, it still blows my mind. I mean, what kind of love is this?

It’s teaching me that God’s love for me is thorough and unbreakable. This God knows me intimately, and none of what I do is a surprise or a burden that God is unwilling to bear with me or help me navigate. It’s helping me to see that there’s no scenario where God won’t show up, even in doubt. And it’s recharging my faith.

What about you?

How has God shown up in your doubt? 💜