A slow buzzing enters my dreamscape, silky piano notes following close behind.  My hazy dreams pass away as my brain registers the sound and I open my eyes. It’s my alarm. Hitting snooze, I turn over, hoping for a slow five minute reprieve before facing the day.

The next time I open my eyes, it’s without prompting, nearly 30 minutes later. Crap! Already, I’m running late. But instead of running to the shower, I unlock my phone.
I’m not headed to IG, a news or music app. Instead, I open my Bible app.

This old habit is one I’ve struggled to maintain over the last year. Talking to God every morning in my journal, offering praise and gratitude and dissecting the promises in the word would normally take, at least, an hour.  And I’d still have a hard time pulling myself away.

Spending this kind of time with God almost every single day fortified me in a way that I’m only noticing in it’s absence. I have a nagging suspicion that this shift is why I’ve been struggling with doubt and intense anxiety so much more lately. 

Instead of running to my Bible or my knees in worship, I’m usually running to the shower and flying through the rest of my morning routine. No quiet contemplation of ancient promises. No confession of the worries that attacked me the minute I awoke. No songs of praise to welcome the divine presence into my space.

Now don’t get me wrong, I still speak to and honor the Most High. But worried pleas for help sandwiched between the lyrics of worship songs as I make my way to work doesn’t have the same effect. And the difference is staggering. The worries and workplace chaos that rise up over the course of the day shake me in ways I havent experienced in years.

When I think about it, I see that the most dire and difficult times in my life also happen to be when I felt the closest to the Most High. But now, in the midst of all this anxiety and struggle, God feels far away. Knowing what I know about God, through study, but mostly experience, I know it’s not because God is too busy, tied up elsewhere. It’s because I am.

Somehow, right before I started my current job, I let things slip. My daily appointment with God became a less crucial, less regular kind of thing that evolved into whatever rushed, sometimey, inconsistent thing it is now.

I still play worship music.  I still talk to God throughout the day, like God is right beside me, because I believe that God is. I still journal my prayers. I still read the bible… Just, not as frequently or with the same fervor I once had, not with that desperate need to include God in every aspect of my day in a variety of ways.

Nothing has been the same since. Why should it be? I can’t expect God to give me more faith, more peace, more anything, while I offer less and less. God is full of grace. So our gracious God may still provide more and more, but that’s not at all fair. And it’s not something I would accept.

Eventually, we all get tired and no one wants to be taken advantage of by anyone, even those they love. While the Bible says that God neither sleeps nor slumbers, so therefore doesn’t get tired, we do know that we get on the Most High’s nerves. THAT fact, is all over the Bible for our education (and sometimes entertainment). But that’s not a dynamic that I want in my relationship with God and I mean that wholeheartedly.

So, I’m recommitting myself, getting back to the basics with my God – making worship, prayer, and reading the Bible a priority again. I don’t expect to be perfect at it – 100% consistent from the jump.

But I do expect that consistency to grow and that comforting sense of closeness to God to return over time. Because I suspect that I’m not the only one who’s noticed a difference in our relationship. I’m almost certain that God’s been patiently waiting for me to notice and make a u-turn this whole time, right from the start. I’m sure that God’s BEEN ready, and now, I am too. 💜