Posted on by She Who Rises

Doubting the Doubt

It’s raining. And it’s pouring. But despite all of that, I’m rushing from the cube farm where I work to my car in a panic. I feel a migraine coming on and, with it, an intense and unyielding fear. The tense muscles in my shoulders and lower back echo the ugly thoughts bouncing off the walls in my head.

“You’re not good enough. You’re in over your head. You’re gonna fumble this and expose the imposter at your core. Quit now while you still can.”

As you know, the devil be devilin’ – waging a battle in my mind that paralyzes me, at least, for a time. 

As does my inner critic who often berates and beats me down, while trying to protect me from further pain. It’s a tough room.

Yet, being well aware of all this, I’m still shook over here.

I am completely overwhelmed by fear that I will fail at this important project, despite God’s promises to help and my years of experience with God as evidence.

I am afraid that I’m too broken for God to use me for something great. I’m afraid that God is powerful. But not powerful enough to keep the promise using me. Anyone else, sure. But me? Not at all.

I am filled with fear and all of this doubt sprouts from that highly charged place.

I’ve been struggling with these thoughts from day 1 and they have only grown more intense. But then yesterday, the Holy Spirit reminded me that fear isn’t real. And then like hitting a switch, I remembered that fear acronym. Fear is False Evidence Appearing Real.

As this realization began to sink in, I realized that fear is a mirage – an illusion, like the appearance of water in the glaring sunlight. It’s not anything to trust or build a foundation on.

It’s a trick of the enemy because there is no fear in love. And I know that I am deeply loved by my creator.

It brought me back to something I’d heard countless times, but never really understood. In my prayers, the phrase “doubt the doubt” kept appearing in my mind. I’d heard joyce meyer say it years ago and hadnt really thought about it much since then. Despite hearing it over and over for a year or more in my prayers, I never quite understood it. Until now.

Remembering that fear is a mirage, a 4D IMAX level illusion, IS doubting the doubt. It’s questioning its authenticity, validity, and its motives. It’s saying, “Nah, I don’t believe you. You’re not real.” And in doing so, slapping the enemy in the face and making him kick rocks.

So, I doubt that doubt… until the next time.

Posted on by She Who Rises

God is GOOD

I AM GOOD

You don’t have to understand it for it to be true.

My thoughts are higher than yours. As are my ways. Trust me,  you won’t get it. But I am still good. In fact, I am the very definition.

I AM GOOD.

I’m the only one who truly is. Others try to act like they are good, but they can’t pull it off. How could they? They really aren’t even sure what it is to be good. Why?

Because they’re not me. I’m the one who decides.

I AM GOOD.


I am the standard – my ways, my thoughts. And who but me and the closest ones to me – my spirit and my son – could know that so well? 

Good is what I bring forth in the earth. The creatures made to my exacting standards. The systems within you and around you that always strive toward balance – the original symphony.

What is not good is what so often happens once what I’ve created is in the hands of people. But I AM STILL GOOD.

I take what you’ve ravished and destroyed, and breathe life into it until it becomes a new thing – a good thing, again.

With my refreshment, it brings to the world the good that I imagined it would. And it spreads near and far. It does all that I intend.

And because I am good, I’ll do the same with you. 💜

Posted on by She Who Rises

From Doubt to Faith

Doubt is a place.

When I think about doubt, I imagine a physical space, an actual place. It’s desolate, gray and windswept with bare trees and flying dust instead of firm, rich soil – a place completely devoid of life. This place is where I end up whenever my trust Issues show up in my relationship with God.

Despite knowing that God is good and having plenty of evidence to back it up, I still question God’s faithfulness – whether God will show up in my most desperate moments. I even second guess the seal of approval that I inherited from Jesus. My anxiety sometimes overruns my faith, and when I look up, I’m in that gloomy, desolate place. In doubt, the creativity, clarity, wisdom and peace that I need to navigate life seems impossible to access.

My last post was a retelling of a recent dream. In it, I stood on a modern version of the biblical Noah’s ark. I was being whisked away from a place of danger and loss. Yet, anxious about all that I’d left behind, especially who and what they might think, I had lept into the water, intending to return to that forsaken place.

In jumping, I had rejected the safety of the Ark and the promise of something better wherever it was headed. And it wasn’t until I found myself carried away from the ship that continued onward without me that I realized how bad an idea that had been.

Though I busily treaded water to stay afloat, the hazy gloom of doubt within me – the doubt that had caused me to jump – made it impossible to know what to do next. I was stuck and alone. But then, the most amazing thing happened.

Jesus, who I hadn’t even realized was there, dove in after me.

Just like the shepherd searching for the single sheep who had wandered away from the flock of 99 others.

I didn’t even have to ask…

He found me, barely held together. Yet, after the considerable effort of reaching me, I was surprised to see that his demeanor didn’t show even a speck of frustration or anger. 

In fact, all I saw in his eyes was concern and clear-eyed understanding. My only response had been love, gratitude, and … wonder. Then, I woke up.

Well over a month later, it still blows my mind. I mean, what kind of love is this?

It’s teaching me that God’s love for me is thorough and unbreakable. This God knows me intimately, and none of what I do is a surprise or a burden that God is unwilling to bear with me or help me navigate. It’s helping me to see that there’s no scenario where God won’t show up, even in doubt. And it’s recharging my faith.

What about you?

How has God shown up in your doubt? 💜