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Is God Enough? Pt. II

Now, of course, my rational mind knows that God is more than enough. The very thing I’m searching for – love, fun, friendship, companionship, people to do life with, God gives to me 24/7, in ways seen and unseen. I know this. I’m sure of it.

When someone disappoints me, God is there following through on every promise.

When someone disappears from my life with or without explanation, God is at my very side.

When my heart is broken, Jesus himself whispers, “I love you,” in my ear while catching my tears in a bottle.

God is more than enough and more than present – he’s in it with me. But my sorrow distorts what I can see.

Why do I want these relationships so much? Something so substandard to what God reliably delivers.

It is better to love God – who always responds, never fails, never misses, and loves me completely and perfectly. It is better to want God more than anyone. I know this.

So, why do I even want anyone else?

Isn’t the desire for relationships built into my DNA?  We’re made to connect with others. When I remember Genesis and the  creation of man, I immediately think of God creating a companion for Adam, Eve. But there was a relationship that pre-dated theirs.

Before Eve, it was just Adam and God in bountiful Eden. Adam had a purpose, tend the garden, and an immediate companion, God.

At some point, God decided that Adam needed a companion that was “comparable” to him. Comparable meaning, equal. Someone on his level. And we know God was not that, not even in the slightest. God was and is higher.

God put the desire for a companion in Adam’s heart by allowing him to notice that the animals were in pairs. So, the desire itself is natural and intentional.

God did create a comparable companion for Adam in Eve. But that was after God and Adam had their own relationship. God created animals and Eve, at least in part, to add to what Adam already had, which was purpose and a relationship with God.

But what does that say about whether God is enough? Is just having God not meant to be enough? Or is something else at play here? This is where my deep thoughts take me, down a rabbit hole of infinite depths.

I made it out the other end with an answer, but not the insight to accompany it. In other words, I have the answer, but I don’t know why it is the answer.

Part III

Posted on by She Who Rises

Is God Enough? Pt. III

Months ago, answering a question I hadn’t yet posed, the Holy Spirit told me that God was, in fact, enough for me. IS enough.

I didn’t understand it at the time. And to be honest, I still don’t, not completely.

But the blunders and triumphs in my relationships since then have reminded me of something important.

We are so imperfect. We try to give and get what we need from each other, only to bruise and break bones in the process. We apply sledgehammers to scenarios needing scalpels and bombs to tangled webs.

I’ve never met anyone who could love me perfectly in every situation – not friends, not family, not partners. Only God.

God has been my parent when I needed one, my best friend, bodyguard, lawyer, doctor, career counselor, therapist, voice of reason, and so much more. And that has taught me so much about God’s character, versatility, and love for me.

Because of these experiences, I am sure that God is the only one who can be everything to me. The only one stop shop, so to speak.

Other relationships have their place, but this one is irreplaceable. When I have a need and I seek God to fill it, it’s as good as done, no matter the details.

And that’s when it hits me.

Yes, God IS enough. But God won’t demonstrate that quality unless I do the seeking. I have to invite God into the empty space that needs filling.

When I don’t look to God for what I need, even relationally, I expect other humans to love me perfectly. Inevitably, I am disappointed and find myself back at square one until I am desperate enough to call God directly.

God is enough. But why is God enough?

Because God is the only one who can be everything, filling every kind of gap there is, at all times. I don’t know how or why. I just know that God is able. All I have to do is ask.

And that’s enough. 💜

Posted on by She Who Rises

Is God Enough? Pt. I

Thump, thump, thump.

My thumbs vibrate against my phone’s touchscreen as I navigate to the Creatorskind Instagram page. I’m looking for some encouragement.

I find it in a recent post, added after a long hiatus. Littered with buzzing bees for emphasis, it says, “Just be. I’m in it with you. – Jesus.” This is the reminder, the calming salve I needed.

I’m heartbroken. There’s someone in my life that I had to release, actually, more than one. And it hurts.

I’m tempted to believe that no one understands, that I’m all alone in this, and that no one hurts more than me. But that’s not true – not today, not ever.

And the Holy Spirit who, thankfully, lives within me, is more than willing to remind me of this eternal fact. I am not alone. Though I can’t see it tangibly, I know that Jesus is in it with me.

In the grieving over what could have been.
In the back-tracking and over-thinking.
In the worries about what the future might bring. In the ups and mostly downs, he’s there, riding the waves with me.

Then I remember something that stops me in my tracks, realizing it could ONLY be the Holy Spirit reminding me that, I asked for this… all of it.

Isn’t this outcome wrapped in my prayer for discernment? My prayer for wisdom? My prayer for courage to make the hard choices and do the hard things?

I didn’t expect things to turn out this way. Division. Separation. The parting of ways.  Never in a million years. But, yes. I asked for all of this.

In response, God gave me what I asked for. Not for better or worse, but always for my good, because that’s all God does.

And now, with the details brought into focus and the hard decisions made, it’s just me and God again.

But in my sorrow, the question that occurs to me is this: Is that enough?

Part II

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Doubting the Doubt

It’s raining. And it’s pouring. But despite all of that, I’m rushing from the cube farm where I work to my car in a panic. I feel a migraine coming on and, with it, an intense and unyielding fear. The tense muscles in my shoulders and lower back echo the ugly thoughts bouncing off the walls in my head.

“You’re not good enough. You’re in over your head. You’re gonna fumble this and expose the imposter at your core. Quit now while you still can.”

As you know, the devil be devilin’ – waging a battle in my mind that paralyzes me, at least, for a time. 

As does my inner critic who often berates and beats me down, while trying to protect me from further pain. It’s a tough room.

Yet, being well aware of all this, I’m still shook over here.

I am completely overwhelmed by fear that I will fail at this important project, despite God’s promises to help and my years of experience with God as evidence.

I am afraid that I’m too broken for God to use me for something great. I’m afraid that God is powerful. But not powerful enough to keep the promise using me. Anyone else, sure. But me? Not at all.

I am filled with fear and all of this doubt sprouts from that highly charged place.

I’ve been struggling with these thoughts from day 1 and they have only grown more intense. But then yesterday, the Holy Spirit reminded me that fear isn’t real. And then like hitting a switch, I remembered that fear acronym. Fear is False Evidence Appearing Real.

As this realization began to sink in, I realized that fear is a mirage – an illusion, like the appearance of water in the glaring sunlight. It’s not anything to trust or build a foundation on.

It’s a trick of the enemy because there is no fear in love. And I know that I am deeply loved by my creator.

It brought me back to something I’d heard countless times, but never really understood. In my prayers, the phrase “doubt the doubt” kept appearing in my mind. I’d heard joyce meyer say it years ago and hadnt really thought about it much since then. Despite hearing it over and over for a year or more in my prayers, I never quite understood it. Until now.

Remembering that fear is a mirage, a 4D IMAX level illusion, IS doubting the doubt. It’s questioning its authenticity, validity, and its motives. It’s saying, “Nah, I don’t believe you. You’re not real.” And in doing so, slapping the enemy in the face and making him kick rocks.

So, I doubt that doubt… until the next time.

Posted on by She Who Rises

God is GOOD

I AM GOOD

You don’t have to understand it for it to be true.

My thoughts are higher than yours. As are my ways. Trust me,  you won’t get it. But I am still good. In fact, I am the very definition.

I AM GOOD.

I’m the only one who truly is. Others try to act like they are good, but they can’t pull it off. How could they? They really aren’t even sure what it is to be good. Why?

Because they’re not me. I’m the one who decides.

I AM GOOD.


I am the standard – my ways, my thoughts. And who but me and the closest ones to me – my spirit and my son – could know that so well? 

Good is what I bring forth in the earth. The creatures made to my exacting standards. The systems within you and around you that always strive toward balance – the original symphony.

What is not good is what so often happens once what I’ve created is in the hands of people. But I AM STILL GOOD.

I take what you’ve ravished and destroyed, and breathe life into it until it becomes a new thing – a good thing, again.

With my refreshment, it brings to the world the good that I imagined it would. And it spreads near and far. It does all that I intend.

And because I am good, I’ll do the same with you. 💜

Posted on by She Who Rises

From Doubt to Faith

Doubt is a place.

When I think about doubt, I imagine a physical space, an actual place. It’s desolate, gray and windswept with bare trees and flying dust instead of firm, rich soil – a place completely devoid of life. This place is where I end up whenever my trust Issues show up in my relationship with God.

Despite knowing that God is good and having plenty of evidence to back it up, I still question God’s faithfulness – whether God will show up in my most desperate moments. I even second guess the seal of approval that I inherited from Jesus. My anxiety sometimes overruns my faith, and when I look up, I’m in that gloomy, desolate place. In doubt, the creativity, clarity, wisdom and peace that I need to navigate life seems impossible to access.

My last post was a retelling of a recent dream. In it, I stood on a modern version of the biblical Noah’s ark. I was being whisked away from a place of danger and loss. Yet, anxious about all that I’d left behind, especially who and what they might think, I had lept into the water, intending to return to that forsaken place.

In jumping, I had rejected the safety of the Ark and the promise of something better wherever it was headed. And it wasn’t until I found myself carried away from the ship that continued onward without me that I realized how bad an idea that had been.

Though I busily treaded water to stay afloat, the hazy gloom of doubt within me – the doubt that had caused me to jump – made it impossible to know what to do next. I was stuck and alone. But then, the most amazing thing happened.

Jesus, who I hadn’t even realized was there, dove in after me.

Just like the shepherd searching for the single sheep who had wandered away from the flock of 99 others.

I didn’t even have to ask…

He found me, barely held together. Yet, after the considerable effort of reaching me, I was surprised to see that his demeanor didn’t show even a speck of frustration or anger. 

In fact, all I saw in his eyes was concern and clear-eyed understanding. My only response had been love, gratitude, and … wonder. Then, I woke up.

Well over a month later, it still blows my mind. I mean, what kind of love is this?

It’s teaching me that God’s love for me is thorough and unbreakable. This God knows me intimately, and none of what I do is a surprise or a burden that God is unwilling to bear with me or help me navigate. It’s helping me to see that there’s no scenario where God won’t show up, even in doubt. And it’s recharging my faith.

What about you?

How has God shown up in your doubt? 💜

Posted on by She Who Rises

In it with me

A cloudy gray sky hovers above my head. I’m so high up that I wonder whether I can grab a piece. Its clouds conceal everything above and most of what surrounds me.

Its particular shade of gray is only slightly lighter than the gunmetal coloring the expanse beneath my feet. I’m on a ship – a giant machine sprawling around me. But it’s not just any ship.

It’s an ark, like Noah’s, with no discernable openings, yet here I am perched on its surface. The ship cuts through the choppy and frothy mix of gray and white waters below. The water, like the sky above and the ship in between, seems endless.

Though everything about this scene denotes solitude, I am not alone. There are others on a different quadrant of the ships surface, laughing and lounging in swimwear despite the gloom around them – living as if the sun is on full display.

They may as well be a million miles away from me or in another world even. But they don’t capture my attention for long. My mind is occupied by thoughts of those I left behind. People, places, things, and especially, what others may be thinking.

So, I jump.

Crashing into the choppy water, I sink just a little, the force of my weight pressing me down, then bouncing me back up to the surface. Once my head reaches the surface, I am immediately overwhelmed. I didn’t have a plan B. I didn’t think about what I’d do next. And so I have little choice but to let the water carry me wherever it chose.

I flow backward towards structures that I can only see now, at this level, on the water.  I hear a distant splash as I nearly float past the corner of a giant brick wall to my side. I grab it and hold on for dear life. Behind it, I can see what looks like a flooded city, empty and silent. I turn to look toward the sea, at the rear of the Ark moving swiftly away, and I see something headed my way. I freeze in place, anticipating the worst.

As it gets closer, I can see that it is a person, a person swimming. Then, I see that it is someone I recognize. It’s someone that I know. And at once, I feel wonder, relief, and to my surprise, love – genuine and heartfelt. Tears overrun my eyes and fall into the churning waters around me as he swims close.

It’s Jesus. He came in after me.

He swims to the wall where I am anchored in place with a look of concern and understanding on his face. He knows me. He knows why I jumped. And he knows that I have no idea what I am doing. Yet, he’s here anyway, in it with me. 💜

Posted on by She Who Rises

Doing the Work

So, nerd out with me for a minute… I’m so excited that the Braxton’s are back on tv. Having always wanted sisters, I enjoy being a fly on the wall to watch their sisterhood antics. I was catching up on their newest season and – no spoilers – saw them navigating a grief counseling session intended to help them navigate the loss of Tracy, a sister who died from cancer roughly two years ago.

Before the session, Trina explained that she had tried grief counseling after her ex-husband, Gabe’s, death a few years ago. But she realized that she just wasn’t ready for it and hadn’t returned to therapy since. During the ladies’ session, she tearfully expressed her sense of being overwhelmed by her feelings and memories surrounding Tracy’s death.

It brought to mind a convo I’d had just the day before with my EMDR therapist. As we were wrapping up the session, she commended my efforts to continue to do the work therapy requires. Both she and my regular therapist say this to me every now and then, and though I always appreciate it, I am usually surprised.

Most times, I end up asking why they even felt the need to say it because why wouldn’t I continue with therapy? Why wouldn’t I work on all this trauma and break these generational curses? That’s the goal.

In my mind, there is no other option, even though it isn’t always financially or emotionally convenient. Why? Because I’m desperate for healing.

The healing that I’m looking for is a necessity, like air. I need and want to heal so badly that I don’t feel like I can afford to stop until I see it come to pass.

Now I know that healing is a process, not necessarily a destination. But I’ve already experienced some and, baby, I must have more, as much as is available to me.

But in my therapists explanation, she noted that not everyone does. She reminded me that it’s hard work to face the beliefs, fears, and experiences that have harmed us or hold us back. And that it takes work to push through all of that and actually change. That’s when I remembered the tears, unanswered questions, shredded emotions, and the rebuilding I’ve done along the way.

In talking about his journey to find a therapist in his book, Faith & Therapy, gospel singer Anthony Evans describes when the first therapist he consulted had been more interested in trying to connect with Anthony’s influential family than helping him navigate his anxiety. It was a big disappointment, and because he expected a repeat performance with any other therapist, it turned him off toward therapy altogether – though not for long. Because, as Anthony says, “…pain has a way of changing your mind.”

When I think of the years I’ve dedicated to working on myself in therapy and the struggle to push through, the healing I’m so desperate for hasn’t always been what motivated me forward. Most often, it was the pain of life pushing me from behind.

Sometimes, it was a new traumatic experience or, at other times, a trigger – an emotional echo of an older painful experience. Sometimes, it’s dealing with the same old problem too many times or a failure or loss in an important area of life. In any case, it was pain, plain and simple, and the desperate need to get out from under it that kept me showing up to appointments, finding the money, and digging into the uncomfortable corners of my own psyche. It was the search for relief – a real, healthy, and lasting relief – that made me get serious about doing the work. And it’s been worth it.

There’s been significant healing in my life – not in every area, not yet. But I’ve become a different, more whole person bit by bit, and I’m so grateful. Some of the things that used to torment me don’t have the same power anymore. I have a clearer and more compassionate view of myself and others than I did before. And I’ve found that there are things that I like about myself now that I couldn’t see or even imagine before.

I’ve actually begun to look forward to experiencing the version of me that God intended me to be all along. The journey has been hard. And while I don’t expect to arrive at a finish line any time soon, I am certain that the healing is worth the work. 💜

Posted on by She Who Rises

Ordering My Steps

Technically, I hadn’t left my bed for days. For four days, the occasional bathroom visit was the most active I got, and I barely did that. I ate sporadically, fell in and out of sleep, talked to God & tripped into a few holes on insta. It’s the same old story. A multi-day migraine, fuzzy-headedness, and ear-ringing triggered another depressive episode. But what’s pulling me out of it is something new.

Five hours after NPR posted SWV’s tiny desk concert to YouTube, I am randomly scrolling on YT, having forgotten why I came here in the first place (insert brain injury eye roll here). But once I see it, I immediately click the thumbnail. It doesn’t get saved to my watch later like usual, never to be seen again.

There’s an unexpected thing happening here. Something like joy is beginning to bubble up from somewhere deep within me. I watch Coko, Taj, Leelee, and Co. do their thing. I sing along, raise my hand, and bop around from my bed, in the dent I’ve made there over the last four days. But there’s a new energy rushing in.

As they sing their classic jams from my high-school days, without even trying, they begin to lift me from my lonely, sunken place. I start making plans for the future, making a mental note to check out tickets for their tour once they drop. Without any real effort on my part, I’m coming out of another depressive episode. And I’m grateful.

How did I get here? I might have an idea. Was it SWV? Was it the nostalgia of my high school days? Is this the formula for busting through depression? I doubt it. As much as I love SWV and the renewed interest in artists from my era, I don’t see this combination working every time depression rears its raggedy head.

What’s more likely is that the Holy Spirit – the Spirit of my Savior who lives within me – guided me to what would help in this specific moment. Just like those times when the Holy Spirit, knowing what I don’t and can’t possibly know, led me to the things, people and places, big and small, that would work out for me.

Just like with the jobs (plural) I got that I almost didn’t apply to or the dope outfits I found at deep discounts, despite dragging myself to the mall, outlet, or other place. Or better yet, the move I made to be closer to family, never suspecting the health issues that would arise and turn my life upside down.

There have been so many times when I ended up in the right place at the right time and knew that I couldn’t take the credit. Why would this be any different?

Depression is BIG trash. Period. End of story. No one would ever choose this. But I am so grateful that I have the Holy Spirit with me, in me, ordering my steps – leading me to what I need, before I even know I need it. That’s the real formula. 💜

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Just Be

What would it be like to “just be”?

As in, live “as is”, no changes, as today’s version – the exact same you that exists this second. What would it be like to be completely yourself without striving and straining toward some goal, some other version of you? Imagine it for just a moment. What’s there? What isn’t?

Is it enjoying a social situation freely without the pressure to make a friend, make a deal, be seen, or even unseen?

Is it exhaling and releasing your belly or the folds of your back to unravel, without a care, across the area below?

Is it placing a block on the past – a transparent wall that separates you from a joy, mistake, or trauma where your brain thinks you should live instead?

What would it be like to just be and embrace what is, whatever it is, right now?

Radical (self) acceptance. Would it be so bad?

Imagine that. A moment where everything that’s happened, everything you’ve witnessed, and where you are now has been totally and completely accepted… by the most important person, you. No bones to eat clean. No details to pick apart. Just be-ing.

I’m realizing that there’s so much more to see when I am present here and ok with what is. When I’m not obsessing over what I could’ve said vs what I did say or whether that thing will work out the way I hope or worrying about what new thing aging has assigned to me, there’s calm, silence, rest, and sometimes, if I’m honest, sleep.

Lately, this is where Jesus has been leading me. To “just be” is a whole new world for me… one who is either waist-deep in the past, picking apart the present, or running light-years into the future. To “just be” is radical.

So far, I like that worry doesn’t seem to live here. But I can’t say for certain what does. I’ve only just started to look around.

What about you? What do you see?